I've been in moods lately. One change to the next, trying to figure out exactly what I want from life. I'm successful, I'm educated, I'm surrounded by people that I love. So what is it that is bothering me? Why can't I seem to find satisfaction from my life at the moment? I am perfectly fine being single; I have been for a long time. When things come down to it, I work better being single. I accomplish more when I'm single. I seem to be a better me, when I'm single. So what's wrong?
The thing is, and the feeling comes and goes, that I don't want to end up alone.
I've been fiercely independent my entire life, sometimes by choice, sometimes not, but I find myself needing some sort of solitude or distance from people to keep myself strong. To keep myself from needing dependence on anyone else. And then the thoughts creep in... and it makes me sad. I don't want to end up alone; I don't think that anyone seriously ever does. In reality, though, how do we stop that from happening? How do you keep yourself from falling into a routine and never getting out of it again?
Change is maturity. Change is growth. I get that, but what happens when no one wants to change with you? When no one wants to see how you grow and how you begin to need those things in your life? That scares me. What if no one wants this version of me that I've created? The one that keeps all the bad things away; the one that pushes people away because it's easier to do that, than to take a chance and get hurt all over again. What if I do end up alone? What if I sealed my own fate?
I guess only time will tell, but the truth is, in reality... the only reason I'm alone is because I choose to be. The feelings I have, the yearning to have someone accept me as their own, won't go away. I'll always want someone to look at me with a sparkle in their eye, knowing that it's the real deal. I'll always yearn to have someone hold my hand and tell me that I'm not staying anywhere else, but with them for the night. I year to have that someone whisk me away, but not with wild abandon, but with sincerity and simple adventure.
So I'll keep that yearning, and I'll tuck it away. As a simple reminder of the things I'm waiting for. For the someone that will live up to them.
Even if he really doesn't.
I'll wait for love.