Nothing Less Than Buttlerflies...

Change is inevitable.

Blah Blah Blah.... *sighsheavily*

My life has changed exponentially recently. Some I did to myself, some just fell in my lap. I always thought of myself as adaptable. But... some of the recent changes are making me.... Sleepy. 

The truth is that, as confident as I am, I am addicted to change. I expect that people are going to disappoint and frustrate me. I expect to get let down. So when they start to show signs, I flip it a lil' bit to avoid the emotional downfall. All the while telling myself that I refuse to settle. This was what made me feel better. 

So here I am, sitting here wondering if good relationships involve a little bit of settling. Do you take this even if you're not going to get that? Do you accept a little because in the grand scheme you don't really need all of it anyway? Or do you say Fuck That! and demand all of it or go with nothing because, damn it, you're worth it. At what point does compromise start stepping on your toes?

Some people are settling down, some people are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies.- Candice Bushnell, Sex and the City

 

Looking for Something that Doesn't Exist

I won't lie. As of late, I've been daydreaming a lot more about  a significant person in my life. I'm lonely, yes, but at times, It feels like it's beyond a loneliness, and more of a... longing. I've had this feeling before, back in high school. Like a fool, I drooled over the captain of the football team. For one, because he was nice to me and we were friends and two, well, I thought he was extremely handsome. The problem was though, those feelings weren't reciprocated. We've all had those moments of unrequited love, though, right? I was over it in a few weeks and worked my ass off to get out of that high school as soon as I could. I learned my lesson, kind of. 

It's been quite the roller coaster ride since then, but right at this moment... I've felt this feeling before. And I've pushed it aside before, but the worst thing is that I've fed it before too. I've fallen into the trap of thinking someone felt more for me than they actually did. That I allowed myself to be vulnerable and opened myself up to getting hurt. I created feelings that weren't felt on the other side, and in the end, they let me down. So no more searching for the love that I think I want. No more envisioning possible relationship status changes. I can't take that chance.

So I push this feeling aside. I'll wait it out, just like a hurricane; perhaps I'll go into hiding, or maybe find another secluded place to hide. All I know, is that if I don't push it aside... it means disaster.

BAM!!!!

The proverbial "leaf" has officially turned.

I am SECURE with not needing to feel INSECURE.

I'm not gonna lie, there's a bittersweet feeling. 

Last night in talking with my best friend about Stan, I lied. I told her I wasn't hurt, just frustrated. Guess how well she knows me.... She looked at me with the most inquisitive look and said "You have every right to feel hurt."

It was that statement that made me realize, I am just a girl that has relied on the stability the last 13 years of my "relationship" with him. I grew up with him. Actually, he watched me grow. Progress. Evolve. But Me? I essentially know nothing about him. So here's my insecurity... the insecurity that had me hanging on for just a lil' taste of what/who he is. 

With every fiber of my being, even without knowing him, I love him. But... even with the lump in my throat, I have to say.... THE FUCKING LEAF HAD TO TURN.

I'm excited to see what comes next. I'm excited that I am finally allowing myself the opportunity to see what happens. I'm excited that there is no longer a shred of insecurity in my body. I am perfectly happy with who I am, how I look, how I feel, etc. There's gonna be someone out there eventually that appreciates all of who I am, imperfect body and all.

Relationship Status

Over the last few weeks, I've dodged barrages of questions referring to my relationship status. Like land-mines, they keep blowing up out of nowhere. I've avoided them like the plague, but when I do answer, it's usually to the effect that I can't handle a relationship right now. That I'm not prepared for taking care of another person- let alone myself. That I'm too busy for silly things like that.

What I don't let anyone know is that inside, I would like to be in a relationship. I would love to know the familiar touch at the end of the day, the comforting kiss when I am not in the best of moods, the gentle understanding of who I am by someone else.

Deep down inside, we all have that craving. Some are less willing to admit it that others, but that feeling drives us. It keeps us on our toes, hoping that some day, someone will prove us wrong. That the feelings that we've suppressed really are worth feeling. That everything we've worked so hard to convince ourselves is right... is actually very, very wrong. That someone would actually fight for us.

Many wouldn't understand, though. Privacy is my only solace; it's the key to keeping my sanity. The power is all mine, none for anyone to use against me, and I'm okay with that. In the end, I live my life, I relish in the fact that I'm okay with being alone, and I enjoy every moment that I have with myself. Maybe, one day, I'll find that relationship, but for now? I'll keep what I can for myself.

He's Just Not.... It's Cool Though.

It came to me in a dream. Truth. I haven't felt this much clarity in a long time. 

I could go into a big long speech about "finding myself" and "standing up for myself," but... honestly, there's not much to say. 

Last night in my dream I was watching this scene from He's Just Not That Into You.

I watched this movie a hundred times and never realized.... I'm GiGi! With a couple exceptions of course, like my need to have a hard candy shell.

As much as I wanted to, I never gave up hope. I put everything out there more than a time or two. These last couple months have been especially hard, not allowing myself to turn into a frigid bitch. The feelings of not being good enough, not being told the truth, not.... being the one, have been down right overwhelming. 

But last night, er... this morning.... Everything is alright. I'm.... Gigi. Who gives because that's who she is. That puts everything out there because she knows that one day it will happen.

The trials and tribulations of Love is a many splendid thing. It shows you what you're made of. When it's right, Love is not complicated.

Let's see if I can get my ass into gear and not get sucked back in.....

Uh Oh! The "T" word came up....

It's time for THE conversation. You know... the one that involves putting your heart and soul on the line. The one that you decide once and for all if you can bare all of you to the other person. The one where you decide.....

Do I unconditionally, without a doubt, TRUST this person?

Trust is fickle. You think you have it. You think you can give it freely. You think.... that you're giving it, until something happens, or is said that makes you realize, You were never really giving it in the first place. 

Real relationships are built on trust. Trust is foundational because it allows room for intimacy to grow. Being intimate with someone is about more than sex. You're allowing that person to see "You." What you're like when you're tired, happy, angry, or what you're like when you're talking to your best friend on the phone. You need to be able to trust your partner with your past, present and future. Trust allows you to reveal who you really are.

It wasn't until a couple days ago that I realized, in regards to one person in particular.... I thought I'd been giving it freely all these years. Do I trust this person on the surface? Yes. Do I trust this person not to tell my business? Yes. Do I trust that this person will be there if I need to talk? Yes. Do I trust this person to be honest with himself about our relationship and where it is/isn't going? No. Awwwww.... Snap!

Let's just say, I had a slight meltdown at that moment. My heart hurt. 

But... In that moment I also realized that I am preventing myself from giving it to him because, all this time, I know he wasn't doing it for me. As much love as I feel for this person, I put him in a bubble so I wouldn't get hurt. I've known for quite some time where this is/isn't going, so I keep it arms length. 

When it comes down to it, women's intuition is a MUTHA! What I should have been doing all these years is TRUSTING  my gut, but it's so hard to do sometimes. Especially when everything else seems to be aligned; communication, love, etc. Trust is such a big piece of the foundation, even if you have all the other components, the house won't stand strong. 

Stagnation

I have a belief that people change every day; that every moment creates millions of different roads and opportunities for individuals to create their own pathway in life through those changes. You can choose to take them, or you can resist. You can try to stay the same, but in the end, you're still forced to change; either for the better or for the worse. Changes may scare you, they may show visions of heartache and pain; things that scar you deep into your soul. Yet, those moments filter through the cracks. They still take hold of you and shake you 'til you bend with sorrow and pain. You can't stop that, it's nature's plan, but you can choose whether to accept or reject fate's offering: change. Change is a constant in life; there's no way to stop it, even though you might try to. As comfortable as it may seem to let change build up, hoping that it will just pass, eventually that water becomes murky. While keeping the good things to yourself, you've also kept the bad. You've damned yourself. To create that wall of protection, you've become stagnant. Never changing. Never growing. Never flowing. 

You can take that change and fuel it. Channel it into your own growth; into your life.

See what happens.