Thursday, March 13, 2014

I'll Keep Waiting

I've been in moods lately. One change to the next, trying to figure out exactly what I want from life. I'm successful, I'm educated, I'm surrounded by people that I love. So what is it that is bothering me? Why can't I seem to find satisfaction from my life at the moment? I am perfectly fine being single; I have been for a long time. When things come down to it, I work better being single. I accomplish more when I'm single. I seem to be a better me, when I'm single. So what's wrong? 

The thing is, and the feeling comes and goes, that I don't want to end up alone. 

I've been fiercely independent my entire life, sometimes by choice, sometimes not, but I find myself needing some sort of solitude or distance from people to keep myself strong. To keep myself from needing dependence on anyone else. And then the thoughts creep in... and it makes me sad. I don't want to end up alone; I don't think that anyone seriously ever does. In reality, though, how do we stop that from happening? How do you keep yourself from falling into a routine and never getting out of it again? 

Change is maturity. Change is growth. I get that, but what happens when no one wants to change with you? When no one wants to see how you grow and how you begin to need those things in your life? That scares me. What if no one wants this version of me that I've created? The one that keeps all the bad things away; the one that pushes people away because it's easier to do that, than to take a chance and get hurt all over again. What if I do end up alone? What if I sealed my own fate?

I guess only time will tell, but the truth is, in reality... the only reason I'm alone is because I choose to be.  The feelings I have, the yearning to have someone accept me as their own, won't go away. I'll always want someone to look at me with a sparkle in their eye, knowing that it's the real deal. I'll always yearn to have someone hold my hand and tell me that I'm not staying anywhere else, but with them for the night. I year to have that someone whisk me away, but not with wild abandon, but with sincerity and simple adventure. 

So I'll keep that yearning, and I'll tuck it away. As a simple reminder of the things I'm waiting for. For the someone that will live up to them. 

Even if he really doesn't.

I'll wait for love.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

On Being Thoughtful

Over the last few weeks, I've worked really hard to be self-critical. 
To really take the time to evaluate myself and my life and to be thoughtful in my actions. It's part of being mature, right? To step back and see what you're doing with you life and decide whether it's good or bad is something that, as adults, we're supposed to do. It's how we grow. It's how we prosper. 
You can't grow when you stay in one place. This may be true for a tree, but with our emotional well-being? No. When our emotions become still, we turn stagnant, and, like water, we begin to decay. We grow putrid and full of nasty gunk, to put it lightly, and become less able to support life.
I realize through that process of critical self-evaluation, that the more thoughtful I become, the less I have to say; however, when I do have something to say, it becomes more impactful. 
People listen. And better yet, they believe what I have to say. They trust.
When you say things quickly and without thought, over and over again, those words become tumbling blocks. They build up on themselves until they fall over, from a lack of foundation. They lose their meaning... They lose their impact. But if you take the time to say things that matter, and say them only once, they pack the punch of a million words, all rolled into one.
And people believe what you have to say.
And you grow.

Sunday, September 1, 2013

Who has the bigger Game Piece?

I'm not good at this. When I get close to someone, whether friend or lover, I hide.

It has taken me a long time on Earth to understand that not everyone is against me. There truly, are people that see my current place as success. The unfortunate part about this post is that, the people, more importantly, Person, I have bonded to, is not Aware.

By definition, bonding, means to form something strong with a person. I have that, with my girls. They know me. But, in this respect, what I think, most likely what I THOUGHT I have, with someone is insignificant.

You can build. And build. You can put pieces together all you want. But in the end... all you're doing is playing Jenga. Who takes that one piece? That piece that pulls everything out from under you?

When is the "game" over? When is it time to say... What you think you're doing does not giving meaning to my game of LIFE?

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Nothing Less Than Buttlerflies...

Change is inevitable.

Blah Blah Blah.... *sighsheavily*

My life has changed exponentially recently. Some I did to myself, some just fell in my lap. I always thought of myself as adaptable. But... some of the recent changes are making me.... Sleepy. 

The truth is that, as confident as I am, I am addicted to change. I expect that people are going to disappoint and frustrate me. I expect to get let down. So when they start to show signs, I flip it a lil' bit to avoid the emotional downfall. All the while telling myself that I refuse to settle. This was what made me feel better. 

So here I am, sitting here wondering if good relationships involve a little bit of settling. Do you take this even if you're not going to get that? Do you accept a little because in the grand scheme you don't really need all of it anyway? Or do you say Fuck That! and demand all of it or go with nothing because, damn it, you're worth it. At what point does compromise start stepping on your toes?

Some people are settling down, some people are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies.- Candice Bushnell, Sex and the City


Sunday, February 24, 2013

Looking for Something that Doesn't Exist

I won't lie. As of late, I've been daydreaming a lot more about  a significant person in my life. I'm lonely, yes, but at times, It feels like it's beyond a loneliness, and more of a... longing. I've had this feeling before, back in high school. Like a fool, I drooled over the captain of the football team. For one, because he was nice to me and we were friends and two, well, I thought he was extremely handsome. The problem was though, those feelings weren't reciprocated. We've all had those moments of unrequited love, though, right? I was over it in a few weeks and worked my ass off to get out of that high school as soon as I could. I learned my lesson, kind of. 
It's been quite the roller coaster ride since then, but right at this moment... I've felt this feeling before. And I've pushed it aside before, but the worst thing is that I've fed it before too. I've fallen into the trap of thinking someone felt more for me than they actually did. That I allowed myself to be vulnerable and opened myself up to getting hurt. I created feelings that weren't felt on the other side, and in the end, they let me down. So no more searching for the love that I think I want. No more envisioning possible relationship status changes. I can't take that chance.
So I push this feeling aside. I'll wait it out, just like a hurricane; perhaps I'll go into hiding, or maybe find another secluded place to hide. All I know, is that if I don't push it aside... it means disaster.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013


The proverbial "leaf" has officially turned.

I am SECURE with not needing to feel INSECURE.

I'm not gonna lie, there's a bittersweet feeling. 

Last night in talking with my best friend about Stan, I lied. I told her I wasn't hurt, just frustrated. Guess how well she knows me.... She looked at me with the most inquisitive look and said "You have every right to feel hurt."

It was that statement that made me realize, I am just a girl that has relied on the stability the last 13 years of my "relationship" with him. I grew up with him. Actually, he watched me grow. Progress. Evolve. But Me? I essentially know nothing about him. So here's my insecurity... the insecurity that had me hanging on for just a lil' taste of what/who he is. 

With every fiber of my being, even without knowing him, I love him. But... even with the lump in my throat, I have to say.... THE FUCKING LEAF HAD TO TURN.

I'm excited to see what comes next. I'm excited that I am finally allowing myself the opportunity to see what happens. I'm excited that there is no longer a shred of insecurity in my body. I am perfectly happy with who I am, how I look, how I feel, etc. There's gonna be someone out there eventually that appreciates all of who I am, imperfect body and all.

Friday, February 8, 2013

Relationship Status

Over the last few weeks, I've dodged barrages of questions referring to my relationship status. Like land-mines, they keep blowing up out of nowhere. I've avoided them like the plague, but when I do answer, it's usually to the effect that I can't handle a relationship right now. That I'm not prepared for taking care of another person- let alone myself. That I'm too busy for silly things like that.

What I don't let anyone know is that inside, I would like to be in a relationship. I would love to know the familiar touch at the end of the day, the comforting kiss when I am not in the best of moods, the gentle understanding of who I am by someone else.

Deep down inside, we all have that craving. Some are less willing to admit it that others, but that feeling drives us. It keeps us on our toes, hoping that some day, someone will prove us wrong. That the feelings that we've suppressed really are worth feeling. That everything we've worked so hard to convince ourselves is right... is actually very, very wrong. That someone would actually fight for us.

Many wouldn't understand, though. Privacy is my only solace; it's the key to keeping my sanity. The power is all mine, none for anyone to use against me, and I'm okay with that. In the end, I live my life, I relish in the fact that I'm okay with being alone, and I enjoy every moment that I have with myself. Maybe, one day, I'll find that relationship, but for now? I'll keep what I can for myself.